betony_love

I got nudged.

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 03:13:39 GMT

Someone sent me a nudge to update, even though he SHOULD add my regular journal. - just a sweet hint :)
I wish I had some amazing kink stories to add here. You have no idea how badly I wish I had new things to write about.
I am so pent up, wet and a little out of my mind.

Sadly, things have been very slow for me. I still can't openly be with the man I want and we have been extremely well behaved for months now. One difficulty of some poly situations is that things cannot always advance at the speed everyone would prefer.

The setback has caused some frustration and some bickering but his handling of the situation has just strengthened my resolve. I have never had anyone take such pains to make me feel safe and cared for. I was in such a hurry to submit to him and to experience all the sensations I am curious about that I hadn't wanted to wait.

Putting things on hold for so long has taught me a better lesson. The time has ripened our relationship. We have had to stay focused and find ways to show our caring without being too improper or being disrespectful. It has been a challenge.

Impossible as it is to be with him or talk about him I am still grateful for the bits I get.

Unfortunately, I have missed feeling his control and have been acting up a bit because of that. It was never intentional but I have been pushing boundaries. I couldn't figure out why I was getting so angry, then hurt, then happy. Mood swings under describes the situation. Mostly, I want him to tell me he loves me and that it will be okay soon and to tighten my leash a little.

So we talked a long time last night. He reassured me in that weird logic way he has and promised me that he would go back to taking a little more control over me.

My previously racing mind settled down immediately and I felt quiet and calm. it is so weird how our brains work.

But I am looking forward to the future and hope to keep this sense or tranquility for a long, long time

he asked

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 16:09:25 GMT

Resting on my back, I let my hand slide over my waist.

I remember the first spank. Involuntarily, my back arches, my pussy tightens. I run my hand down between my thighs resting my palm on my clit.
I remember the next swat. My wetness doubles, I start to feel the slickness on the tips of my fingers.

Content. at least as content as I've been. Of course, I still want you again. I guess the slut in me wins once more.
I remember your cum in my mouth, forcing me to orgasm. It replays how swallowing turned almost impossible because I came so hard. I bask in what a sweet problem it was.
My cunt pulses a few times

closer

Clearly, the sound plays in my head. The words fade in and out but the percussion of the slap is distinct. I want them to fall so much harder but the pain still scares me.

Hips grinding, I play more. I want a good happy number for you. I want a count that proves I am thinking about you.
My thighs are wet now. Typing is a challenge. I want to be beautiful, loved, treasured. I want to be special and adored.

Do I have to stop being a naughty girl to have that?

Cunt shivers and shudders. Your slut is closer now. The words rush around and don't make good sense - part memory part fantasy, I start to beg in my mind.

Fuck me, Daddy, please.
Take me, let me suck on you, please? I want you so bad.
Slut, I am your slut.

Fingers tweak my clit as my hips make slow deep circles

I promise to be good. Make me be good.
Cherish me, hurt me.
Spank me harder, please?
I want to feel your cock on my tongue.
Please, please, please let me touch you.

I am getting louder now. I wish you could hear me.

I am a good girl. Good girls should suck their owners cock.
I will be the best fuck toy - if you allow it. Please let me be your fuck toy, please?
Please hold me, tight. Hold me so I know I can never get away.

I want to be perfect. I want to sweetly make love to you, but my mind screams...

Fuck my mouth, please, make me take you.
I want to be good enough to make you hard.
yourslutyourslutyourslutyourslut

I can't wait to know your body better. How to bring you joy, how to tease you, how to be the girl you want me to be.

Typing is almost too much now. I am about to be lost in my memories of You.

Now, the little pre waves, wetter, slippery, I suspect this one will be accompanied by screams and whimpers

Once more -
just because you told me to.

faint

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 02:41:25 GMT

I want to write about it and have it be as beautiful as it felt.
My mind is too garbled and my skills certainly not up to the task.

I have never been just held so tight before.

He said he took it easy on me.

Face down, swats landing, perfect. Apparently I don't listen as closely as he would like.

Bodily directed to his whims. Grabbed by my hair pulled to where he wanted.

I just don't have all the words.

So for now..

it was

perfect.

my heart stops

Tue, 17 May 2005 01:47:03 GMT

He said the words,

"Count for me, slut."

And I did, slowly,
one number,
out loud,
with each orgasm.

"Faster, girl. Don't disappoint me"

And I try, needing,
wishing,
to come.
just for him.
Again, and again
Until the skin was raw.

" I can't, I can't anymore."

I choke back the urge to call him Daddy. I want to but can't say it out loud yet.
Tears fill my eyes but don't drop.
"I can't"

I feel his arms around me, I hear him whisper reassuringly.

His words, his voice,
coax one more from me,
dripping wet, exhausted,
He is satisfied for now.

I want to drift off to sleep.
"I love you, Daddy"
too quiet to be heard,
or at least
he pretends he doesn't.

and the neglect

Mon, 09 May 2005 06:02:16 GMT

I should easily be able to keep up with this. Mostly, I haven't been posting much because I am so frustrated. Really, I have been writing like crazy. I just haven't gotten over feeling strange about sharing these things.

When in doubt go back to the beginning. Instinctively, I have always been drawn to certain fantasies, activities and even questions.

My fantasies have always been a bit dark which I had not really thought of until doing a little reading. Seems to be quite a number of people interested in D/s share this trait.
I remember being three, maybe four, years old and dreaming about being kidnapped by some evil wizard and being tied up in his dungeon. It ran about half and half on whether or not I would be rescued by the hero and go off to live a life of sweetness.

Sometimes, bound and tied, the bad guy couldn't resist me and would need me by his side forever. My favorite would end up with the three of us together having adventures. It took years before anything became sexual in my mind. I started reading about vampires at this time too. (yes - I did read terribly early and Mom let me read whatever I wanted and could manage). I had a set of encyclopedias. Elizabeth Bathory was listed under vampires and I fell in love with her. I couldn't have been more that seven and read everything I could find on her.

I was also becoming a big fan of all things Disney and fairy tales in general. I had amazing book collections, equally full of the cleaned up sweet versions and the original, more gruesome stories. Very powerful women existed in my early fantasies as well as the stories I read. I tried for a long time to be that kind of powerful. Seldom was I ever passive or submissive in my fantasies.

My third "real" boyfriend had a "game" he liked to play where during sex I would call him master. I didn't know anything about the lifestyle then so for me - master - was just a word. Eventually I had a tiny set of leather "bracelets" that were riveted together in the center. It was easy enough to get in and out of them. I never felt helpless. I said the words that would get him off because the sex was amazing when he was that worked up. As time went on he became more abusive and I did eventually run away. While we were together though we participated in a variety of larps and reinactment groups. Those clubs exposed me to my first polyamorous relationships, my first Gorean slave girls, and a whole slew of different choices.

The man after that one was a voice actor. He taught me all about the joys of having someone play with my head. He tapped into my lifelong love of stories to create the most wonderful experiences. Overall I am glad that the two of us didn't end up together but I am very grateful for the the things he showed me. In between these boyfriends I had a respectful number of very talented lovers. I discovered that I liked being in charge and I loved the rush of getting someone to do what I told them to do. And then I got married.

I married the most vanilla man as possible - at least the most vanilla who was willing to have sex. Twelve years and a terrible sex life later I was single again and getting to play again. I did some wonderfully terrible things to a few people. I left some beautiful scars and we were all pretty happy.

Then the weirdest thing happened. I met two men over the course of a season that made me think definite subby thoughts.

Good stopping point for now, I will clear more of my cobwebs later.

First things firts

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 21:16:42 GMT

A wonderful man is putting the sweet details of his experiences here on LJ. I created this so I can keep up with the juicy details. I hope to add some of my own stories and whatnots soon. For the most part I am beginning to explore submission - which has never been my strong suit.

I suspect I will learn some very interesting tricks in the long run.
I hope I meet some wonderful people and find out more about myself on the way.